Thursday, April 9, 2009


I'm gonna move to Somalia and become a Pirate... But I'm gonna teach them how to act like pirates like say AAARGH & that you leave Americans the fuck alone! I'll also bring along Calicolyst and his kick ass Lego AEGIS Cruiser for protection.

Any way.. like many people I know I have been following this pirate crap on the news like a damn soap opera over the years but until yesterday I never gave it too much thought. Yesterday changed when these idiot Somalis decided that they would hijack an American Freighter with an American Flag... didn't these idiots see what happened on Sept. 11??? We Americans actually fight back... on a historical note.. this is the first time that Americans have been held on the high seas by a pirate since 1804... and damn it they were African too... what the hell?!?! It's gotta be Obama's fault some how... that's for another blog.

But then I started really thinking about it.. the media is calling them pirates.. are they really pirates???

You gotta love Google.. or as I call it "The All Knowing Oracle"

According to
Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary Piracy is defined as such: (Common Law) Robbery on the high seas; the taking of property from others on the open sea by open violence; without lawful authority, and with intent to steal; -- a crime answering to robbery on land. Note: By statute law several other offenses committed on the seas (as trading with known pirates, or engaging in the slave trade) have been made piracy.

I guess I always thought of piracy as taking someone's boat and stealing the treasures aboard and this is not what these pirates are doing.. the really just hold the crew for a ransom... but hey tomato - tomatoe right?? Its easier to get people to watch your news station if you mention pirates... it just sounds better.

It seems that America has a fascination for pirates... or maybe its just my fascination... I would love to be a pirate.. but the pirates of today need some help with their image.. they look stupid and desperate... take a look here:
I personally would like to be seen as the Blackbeared fellow... he just looks like a fucking bad ass!

Here are the first things I would like to teach the modern day pirate:

1) Leave the Americans alone dude... we have a history of fighting back against tyranny and most recently terrorists... its just not worth it.. Americans will unleash hell for just one of their countrymen... go after the French... they are pussies and they just suck in general.

2) Take the damn ships and sell the cargo on the black market... you are limiting your potential income by only hold crewmen for ransom... yeah you are getting a few million a head but have you thought of what you can get for the fucking Ipods and PS3s on those ships??? Have you ever looked at Ebay?? PS- if you aren't gonna take the ship light it on fire or something.. or blow it up... explosions are fun

3) Walk the walk and talk the talk... yeah the guns are cool.. but also carry a sword.. it is a sign of power.. and also make sure you know English very very well... it will make everything go easier as English is the language spoken by the most countries but you have to do it with a pirate accent... like AAARRRGH matey... just watch Pirates of the Caribbean its gotta be on one of those ships you take. And grow a damn beard and get a parrot!

4) Target the countries with a small navy... that way you won't have to worry about them coming after you like the US is doing with our war ships.

5) Don't overtake a vessel on a rubber dingy... don't be stupid... you look like a fucking idiot... get a big fucking ship with guns and shoot a cable over and slide across... that is bad ass.

I hope this helps... damn it would be so cool to be a pirate.


  1. un-fucking believable! Hilarious! "If you're ever a shrimp boat [read: pirate] captain, is the day I'm an astronaut. If you're ever a shrimp boat [pirate] captain, I'll be your first mate"~ Lt. Dan Taylor

    I bet if the news reported that there was nothing but Budweiser on that ship, 1,000,000 bass boats would be traversing the Atlantic to get it back! Shit even if you mentioned that the latest Jeff Gordon cooler cozies were on that ship they'd do the same thing!

  2. Fuck, I love my Lego AEGIS Cruiser.

    Technically, I'm already a pirate for stealing basic cable and thousands of mp3's. I just feel like I should've impaled a Dutch sailor with a cutlass to get that shit, though.